I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
