I want to walk on stilts...naked
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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