I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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