Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
