I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
