Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Semen is not good for contacts.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
