i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
