When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
