I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
how does that bad decision feel?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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