at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I supernannyed him into submission
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
