party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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