My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
