This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
