Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
