I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
