The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
