She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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