Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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