I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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