i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
