I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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