the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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