I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
