If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
