drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
