i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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