My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
