1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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