Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
