I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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