hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
