I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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