I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
And then he peed in my hair
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