dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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