He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
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