You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
