my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
