he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
