and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
