Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Randomize
