I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
