I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
