Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
