just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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