Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
