True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
