I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
