well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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