You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
