I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
The Olympian is in my bed
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