Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
