I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
