If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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